Something is about to change…but what?!?

back and forth you wander
through your mind
winter’s passing over
but it wont find you

take what you can
change the seasons

isolate yourself and
you will find
theres no rhyme or reason
that it wont find you

take what you can
change the seasons
the changing of the seasons is here now
the changing of the seasons is here now, is here now

back and forth you wander
through your mind
winters passing over
but i don’t mind

pressures that you’re under
will subside
there’s no time to ponder
cuz it wont find you

take what you can
change the seasons
the changing of the seasons is here now
the changing of the seasons is here now, is here now

and i will find you
although i wonder
if i will climb through
this rock i’m under

i’m turning the page for something new
i’m finding my way through life in bloom

the changing of the seasons is here now
the changing of the seasons is here now, is here now
is here now

i’m turning the page for something new
i’m finding my way through life in bloom

Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint

KJV says “WAIT” on the Lord.   NIV says “HOPE”.

Tonight at Bible study we continued with the journey of Esther and covered the topic of waiting.  This Beth Moore lesson was obviously pointed directly at me from God.   I almost didn’t go, as I had all of 3 hours of sleep last night, but knew it was an appointment with Him.   How much I would have missed otherwise.  Beth talked about women and bad hair days, and how we feel awful about ourselves when we have bad hair.  (Exactly like me this week with the bad bleach highlighting job and feeling Malibu Barbie-ish).    She talked about how sometimes we are so frustrated we want to throw a fit.  Sometimes we feel even the urge to schedule a fit (I did last night in my car…just took off down 59 to Beasley and had a steam session with God……and no, not because of my hair.)

And then waiting….

Often in our lives we called to a time of waiting:  For an answer, waiting for God to do something, change a circumstance, reveal something to us, show us which direction, which decision to make etc.  Often we are so focused on WHAT we are waiting for that we forgot to wait on GOD.

So as we focus on the WHAT, our strength is depleated.  We become cranky, exhausted.  When we focus on GOD, and sit on the fence for HIM and not for WHAT we are waiting for, our strength is renewed. 

As I await my fate work wise, I have been guilty of focusing on the what.    God has not given me an answer.  I believe this is either because A) He is working on something in me (was there any question there?)  B) He is working on something in someone else (I KNOW that one is true)  C) I am not ready to hear the answer    D) He is working out something REALLY good that is waiting to be lined up.

Sure I am a bit fearful of how all this will work out.  (nice word choice)  And yet, I must sit on my balcony chair, wait for HIM.  Not wait for my answer.    Ironically enough, this lesson God had me share with a friend who is waiting through watching her sister fight for her life in the hospital.    How amazing that He speaks to us where we are.

And how amazing that He is faithful when we are not.

Oh Lord in our seasons of waiting: on a resolution, a solution, a change, a sign, may we wait on YOU and not wait on the WHAT.   Keep working in me God.   I have such a long ways to go to be like You.

Mad

I don’t need to go into details on my blog about the who…

but I am mad.

Seriously….

Not to sound morbid, but I feel like a puppy at the humane society.  You know…the sad puppy that has had some “issues” and therefore appears emo (because they are responding to the pain) and then gets taken home to a family.  They are so happy and so excited, and then all of a sudden the puppy finds itself back at the humane society.  The family rejects it.

I realize I set myself up for it many times over.   So I am queen of the guilty party in that sense.

But fricking heck to come back and say, “But we are friends?”

Or to tell me, “If I could, i would send you back to Canada.”    Ever wondered where I would send YOU?!?

I saw you today……You are sick.

After a few rums, all I have say is screw you.   Seriously.

It’s a fight sometimes, to love people the way God has asked us to.  Especially when we have stepped outside of the boundaries God has put in place.  Isn’t this why God has given us boundaries?  Not to spoil our fun, but for our protection.

One way or another….wrong is wrong.  There is not a “I would never do that, and if you cross THAT line, you are more sick than XXX that has only crossed that same line but under these circumstances.”

You are as guilty as I.  You have all crossed boundaries.  We are all sentenced to death for the same reason.  Sin.

Now leave me be.

mirror of decisions

Somedays we are faced with the stark reality that we are NOT the person that we wanted to be.  Not only that, be we are not even the person we PORTRAY ourselves to be.  Perhaps this person that we want to be changes over time.  With joys and with sorrows, we change and we grow, and therefore our ideal persona changes.    Thankfully in all this, God is big enough to handle the ebb and flow, and although our ideal changes, His does not.  Christians know what we ought to be….yet sometimes we are not.

 

We all have decisions to make in life…some are harder to make than others.  In making these decisions, I am not fully convinced that there is always a right and wrong answer.  Sometimes there is an answer that seems “best” but we can never be certain at the time of the consequences of that choice.   If consequences are good, does that deem it was God’s “best” choice?  If consequences are bad, does that mean that we have made the “wrong” choice?  What about when we KNOW we are making the right decision and the consequences are still bad?  Then what?  What does that mean?  That God is not faithful to us?  That we are betrayed?  That He does not really have our best in mind?

Questions that have been bouncing off my head the past….year…years.  And still bouncing, but still ones that I am asking.   Because today I had to make a choice.  One of the hardest choices of my life.  Although I have complete peace, I am heartbroken.  I am scared. I don’t know what happens now.   I do know and trust, that even in the WORST possible case scenario, I am going to be ok.  God has me.   It’s going to be ok.

I am angry.  I am hurt.  But I have peace.  How does work?  If things turn out poorly, will I still have that peace that God led me to the right decision?  That faith needs to come BEFORE the decision is made…not after and NOT based on circumstances.    And God help me to have the courage to still act rightly when certain aspects of all this do not go my way.  When I have questions, when I doubt You……

Help me not to lash out in anger, help me not to seek revenge, help me not to speak “truth” in an attempt to bring others down, but rather help me to love as you love…to treat others with respect, dignity as you would wish them to treat me.

Who and what do I reflect?  May it be You.

Amen.

Been thinking about a lot of my friends today.  Today is a big day for some of them……  I don’t think I can ever forget this day as long as I live.  Starking reality, instant break to the heart, when someone so young is taken Home. Especially one so close to my dearest friends.

And so today I think a lot about being selfish.  A lot of thoughts.  A lot of thinking about my friends.  The way things used to be, etc.  The last few days have been dark.  Very dark.

Tomorrow there is a major meeting in Dallas.  One that I should be at.  I am choosing not go.  After a year of jumping on planes nearly weekly, I am saying enough.  I don’t know what I am fighting so hard for.  Soon it won’t matter anymore anyway.  Once the new boss gets in, things will change.  Everything I faught for will be finished.  People are making big decisions when they really don’t know what kind of decisions they are making.

The business is run out of one city and I work in another…..I just find much of it all really pointless.   Making me think through A LOT of things.

If you want your career to develop…..then you need to be where the core of the business is.  But I don’t want to move to Dallas.  So I contemplate letting the career go.    It’s all but destroyed me at this point anyway.  And what was it all for?  What did I accomplish?  Weight gain, unhealthy habbits, getting mixed up with some of the world’s biggest idiots, etc.   I do not look at myself, what I have become after this year and feel proud.  I do not look at my career and think, “Wow that was a great choice.”  

I am border angry.  A little bitter.  A little frustrated.   And it’s been this way for a long time…..it shouldn’t be that way….

God and fears….

Doing a Beth Moore study on Esther with the ladies in my church.   Due to travelling all over Houdalgary, I have managed to miss the first 3 weeks, but apparently that is ok.  God decided to nail it home for week four.    Esther was in a really tough place when Moredecai came to her to tell her that the Jews were all going to perish.   She had to go to the king and plead their case, even though no one could enter the king’s presence without being summoned as that would warrant death.  UNLESS the king chose to extend the golden scepter, and spared your life.   You are faced with a tough decision, one that may cost your life….what do you do?

Life is full of times of decisions.  You may very well be one brave decision away from a turn in your entire path.   We are afraid often of taking these turns….. Fear….Esther was caught in fear and had to make a decision..

Where does fear come into play with God and life though?  I remember once upon a time when I was so certain if I lived right and followed God’s path that He would not allow my worst fear to happen to me.  That would certainly be a sign He had betrayed me right?   Trust GOD, not trust Him that He will not allow your biggest fear to happen.   My biggest fear did happen.  My biggest fear made me feel betrayed and angry and in my “wisdom” decided to pursue some of my own paths….I suppose all in an attempt to assure myself that my second biggest fear in life doesn’t come true.   And wow that has worked well for me (insert napkin here as that is dripping with sarcasm).  God may very well allow my now biggest fear to happen regardless or not if I do or don’t do the right thing.  Trust Him….not trust that He will protect me from my fear.

Even if my biggest fears happen…..then what?      I chose the what, and I chose HOW they happen.   Will I respond good or will I respond badly?  

I end up being very sick and dying young.  I end up never making enough money and never really being successful. I end up with my dream never being restored and redeemed.   I end up enemies with king bobo for the rest of my life.   I end up single and alone and maybe without a puppy.   I end up living in Texas forever and my parents die alone in Canada. I end up having to move back to Canada (shudder).  I end up having my job completely go to hell in a handbasket.   I end up looking incompetent, uncapable and not good enough and lose my job, relationship, anyway.  I end up being rejectd again.  I end up finally getting married again only to have my husband cheat on me and fall in love with someone else.  I end up with a sick child.  I have a child that dies.  I end up never being that size that I want to be to fit into my skirt again and only end up getting bigger.   I END UP THERE……..(whatever the fear is)

Then what?   Well….then I go through a lot of journalling, nights of no sleep,I feel devastated and completely heartbroken, rejected, alone, deep pain, stupid, incompetent, not good enough….crying, feeling like I am going to die or want to die.  Will I end up choosing sin?  That part is my choice: I can’t chose what happens to me, but I can chose how I react.   If the worst possible thing that can happen should those fears overtake me and I die….then what?

Then God.

My ________(whatever fear) then God.  Always God.    

I have to leave Texas: THEN GOD.  I never get back into my skirt:  THEN GOD.  I end up alone in Texas with no puppy:  THEN GOD.  My parents die alone in Canada: THEN GOD.   I end married and cheated again: THEN GOD.   So and so is an idiot to me the rest of my life and tries to make me look bad:  THEN GOD.  I lose my job and end up Walmart employee of the week: THEN GOD.  I end up with cancer and die alone here: THEN GOD.

THEN GOD.

THEN GOD.

THEN GOD.

Move out of the way fear.  Woman of deep courage and deep faith in spite of all her horrific and epic failures and sin coming through.

To be me again.

I was talking to a manager in big D.   He shared with me how he was unhappy, had become very cranky, was irritated, didn’t like who he had become, etc.

I understood his frustration.  Sounds a little like……me.

I am fast realizing that sometimes you get to a point where you realize that things don’t much matter anymore.  You just want to go back and be “you” again.  I would like to have time to run again, time to actually be home at a decent hour to be in touch with friends, time to skype, time to travel.  Time to really be ME.  Right now, this is not “me”.   I don’t like this person….at all. 

As I consider and think of more and more options…I am not sure what way the path will turn and bend.  All I know..it soon will and must.

Climatized.

I often wonder, now that I have moved to a warmer climate, about the coorelation between hot climates and moods.  It has been noted scientifically (not that I am a reknowed scientist) that warmer climates tend to reduce depression in people.   I am wondering if that is true of myself.

Usually in the winter I find I am somewhat depressed.  And always at the same time of year something goes wrong.  It happened similar while here in Texas, but I found I was more depressed while spending time in the winter in Canada, than I was when I came back to Houston.    I am much happier here….and not because I am completely comfortable.  Circumstances work wise and otherwise, would deem Houston to be the MOST uncomfortable situation and place I have lived yet.   And yet I can’t think of anywhere else I would rather be.  It’s odd.

People go around complaining about the oppressive heat and humidity of Houston.  Humidity hasn’t been too bad this year yet, the heat has been record breaking and I don’t mind it at all.  I am not complaining. I think Texas is great.

There is one catch 22…the outdoor running bit.  I forget that I no longer live in 70 degrees.  So yesterday I made an attempt at my first official HOT summer run…in the 90’s.  I had done it one afteroon at 2pm to try to climatize and although I was bushed after, I was ok.   After returning from Canada last week, this was my first attempt at being outside for more than 20 minutes however, and the results have been disasterous.  

When you run in extreme heat, you should not experience chills.   I was having chills.  I was feeling faint and dizzy and cut my run short.   Last night I had leg cramps.  Today I am dizzy and very tired.  (After a good nights sleep).  Apparently I am not as climatized as I would like to be.  It definitely is going to take some time.  After yesterday’s episode I am reluctant to go sit by the pool the am…although am really wanting to do so.

Perhaps more wise to take a nap instead…

After all my travelling this past week, Canada, Houston, Dallas, etc.  I need rest.  I am wiped.

Love your Enemies….

I am learning what this means on a new level.   When someone has hurt you terribly and you are given the opportunity to totally bash their credibility, there are moments when it is hard not to.  I am after all, only human.

I had a coworker call me today…tell me about how so and so screwed up and looked really dumb in a meeting in front of a number of people.  Coworker said, “Just thought that would make you laugh. So and so has NO idea what they are doing at all.  What a fool!”

But it didn’t laugh.  I actually felt bad for so and so.

I have screwed up in meetings too and looked stupid.  What right would I have to bash them further?  And knowing that other people talk poorly about someone that on a professional level doesn’t deserve it…..Yes, they made an error in the meeting, but I know what that person is trying to do, even though no one else does.    And so rather than poke so and so further, I defended so and so.  Saying so and so is actually very good at what they do.  So and so is smart and probably with the information so and so was given, they made their calculation correctly, just with bad information, so so and so should be cut some slack.    

Then I was angry at myself for defending so and so.  At the same time, inspite of the fact so and so is an idiot to me, it doesn’t mean I treat them wrong.   And I know their work: so I know it’s credible.  That is the truth.   So how do you “mock” the truth? 

I won’t do that.  You lost your credibility on your own.  So I will defend you, even though, my enemy, you defend me not.

I will demonstrate love by upholding truth.

Forgiveness: Why is it so hard??

Home….

This trip is mellow.  Getting back in touch with my more relaxed country/loud rock music smiley self is good.  Having Kenny Chesney’s “Summertime” hit the airwaves on a drive is good.  Knowing that next week’s meetings are going to take place, is good   

But certain things make me a tad mellow:  I am going to be an aunt! Yay!  But some of the comments circulating around that: not so fun.  Like my dad, “Wow, I never expected my first grandchild to come from my son.”  Mom quickly glances over at me.  I say, “Yeah, never quite expected your daughter to be the powerhouse business woman either.”     “Nope…..” and shakes his head.     Not that I am feeling the need to run out and grab the nearest walking beast with testerone in an attempt to demonstrate that I too can bear children (I will take the moment to remind the public, that it’s not my brother bearing the child), but it’s that whole feeling of no matter how successful I am, I somehow managed to ultimately let my dad down in some way.  Something about that stings.

Or today in church having my lifelong favorite second mom say, “Well, we never expected you to go so far, but I know if anyone can handle pressure it’s you.  Things never quite turn out how we expect, do they?”

Life is not meant to be a perfect package.  It’s messy.  We are all messy.

And somehow today, in that “mess” I stumbled across a book on my shelf.  “Total Forgiveness.”  I never really considered myself to be someone who had a hard time forgiving other people, until now.   I am convicted.  I need to forgive.  I mean not just the words, but truly forgive in my heart.

Steps in forgiving others totallly:

1. Make the deliberate choice not to tell anyone what they did.   (Especially if your motive is to hurt someone, then it is sin on our part)

2. Be pleasant to them should you end up around them.  Do not say anything  or do anything that would make them anxious: put them at ease.

3. If conversation should happen, say that which would set them free from guilt.

4. Let them feel good about themselves.  Do not remind them of their wrong, and your hurt but also help them through any guilt they may have.

5. Protect them from their greatest fear:  Be gracious.  You know something about them that they don’t want revealed.  So set them free…you demonstrate to them and others that you are gracious and will protect them.

6. Keep total forgiveness up today, tomorrow next year.

7. Pray for them.  Yes, your heart might break when God answers that prayer and truly blesses them like they had never sinned.  But praying for enemies is a command.

I sit here with hardness:  I think I have messed up on all of the above.  You have probably screwed up on the above (you did).  But then realized….I too am someone’s enemy.  Probably a few someones.    Haven’t I too done things which have brought others to tears and brokenness?  How do I want them to pray for me?  That God will punish me as I deserve?  That I will be “dealt with”? Or do I wish that they would pray that God will forgive me, bless me, and free me, etc.

Do unto others…….

And so these people haven’t really asked for forgiveness.  Although maybe neither have I.   God says forgive.  And so I must make the choice to forgive, even though certain others may still be “jerks” or “idiots”.  Even though God may bless them and their lives as if they had never sinned at all.  And I may not be so “blessed”. 

God isn’t going to ask what someone did to me, how they wronged me and how He can “repay it”.  God is going to ask me if I forgave.  It makes me angry, but yet….when it comes to the wrong I have done, God will ask others the same: did they forgive me?

I choose to forgive you.

Please forgive me.